Be on the right side of history.
A friend asked me to write a post about confrontation. Specifically, she wanted advice on confronting or speaking with directness to a friend. Because teaching argumentation is my profession, my students, friends, and family often ask me about confrontation:
- How do I handle a hostile person, co-worker, boss, or group?
- How do I constructively express my anger?
- How do I confront, should I confront, and when do I confront?
- How do I constructively express my anger?
- How do I defend myself?
- How do I win an argument?
Obviously, there’s no cookie cutter response. Every situation presents its own challenges; each person is unique. Various forms of communication are learned skill sets and require practice to master. I’ll be the first to acknowledge my imperfections as I continue to hone my communication skills. In this post, I’ll share my own observations, mindsets, and strategies for interpersonal communication and basic conflict resolution. I will also use specific scriptural examples to illustrate their application to our individual relationships. My observations are rooted in my perspective as an American, Latter-day Saint woman. Finally, I use the words “opposition” and “enemies” interchangeably.
Competition is inevitable because comparison is inevitable. But the resulting conflicts can be very costly.
Over the years, I’ve fashioned my own code of ethics relative to interpersonal communication and conflict:
- Don’t view others through a competitive or comparative lens. Competition and rivalry breed resentment and hostility within ourselves and in our relationships. Yes, our capitalistic society thrives on individualism and competition, but not be at the expense of maintaining healthy relationships.
- If possible, propose a win/win proposition rather than a win/lose proposition within ourselves and toward others.
- Avoid seeing ourselves as perpetual victims. Not everyone is out to get us. Within the last 20 years, Western societies tend to perpetuate (sometimes celebrate) “victimhood” status. Taken to an extreme, it can become a false form of power and even perpetuate “unrighteous dominion.”
- When we purposely and/or falsely initiate offensive attacks to control and dominate, we cannot claim the moral high ground. I’d rather “lose” in competitive interpersonal game-playing than lose my integrity and self-respect.
- Therefore, never cast the first stone or throw the first punch—whether in word, action, or passive-aggression.
- Don’t be sucked into an enemy’s or the opposition’s antics. Don’t be manipulated by the enemy’s playbook.
- If we are compelled to defend ourselves by “playing the game” or “fighting fire with fire,” then call upon divine intervention to help us maintain the moral high ground, fight fair, and ultimately defeat our opposition. Pray for wisdom, utterance, and protection.
- Know and understand your opponent. Observe this person’s behavior patterns. Does he or she treat others differently than you? Does he or she single you out? Search for a potential motive. Pray for guidance and clarity of mind in order to make righteous judgments in proceeding forward.
- Pray for knowledge about your opponent. Knowledge is power. Knowing and understanding an opponent or enemy creates a strong defense or “stronghold” as defined in the Book of Mormon. Notice that Moroni obtained “a perfect knowledge” of his enemy, Ammoron. Moroni also “had a perfect knowledge of Ammoron’s fraud; yea, he knew that Ammoron knew that it was not a just cause that had caused him to wage a war against the people of Nephi” (Alma 55:1). We, too, can gain a perfect knowledge of our opposition and their intentions through divine guidance. (I have detailed this principle in a previous post called “Got Enemies?” In that post, I personally testify of attaining information—every single time—through divine guidance pertaining to my adversaries.
- Be credible and ethical. Aristotle taught that our credibility (how others perceive us) is a powerful form of persuasion and peacemaking. Ironically, acknowledging our individual imperfections, faults, and fallibilities gives us more credibility; we are perceived as trustworthy. In short, the best offense is a good defense: our credibility is an inherent effective defense if others perceive us as credible. Credibility has four components: competence, trustworthiness, concern, and dynamism.
- Stay calm during conflict. Our emotions can build or destroy our credibility and ethics. Thus, use our emotions to work for us not against us. Any uncontrolled emotion undermines our credibility and creates more tension—and fodder for our opposition.
- Encourage constructive and productive dialogue with your opponent. If he or she refuses, we can disengage but keep the door open for future discussion.
- Acknowledge our opponent’s perspective and humanity. (This strengthens our credibility.)
- Draw clear parameters or boundaries. Don’t let others manipulatively shame us through fear or guilt.
- Speak our truths but show a willingness to negotiate with opponents (unless negotiating jeopardizes our own sense of morality).
- Be willing to hear our opponent’s truth—even if his or her truth is immoral or wrong. (Our opponents will claim the same thing about us.)
- Be willing to walk away or end the relationship if our opponent refuses to constructively communicate or rejects all offers for resolution and peace.
- If possible, don’t trash opponents. There’s a difference between talking about our opponents/enemies and trashing them.
“Joan of Arc” by John Gilbert
Again, we all fall short and make mistakes in our interactions with others and in dealing with opposition and enemies. And that’s okay. Controlling our emotions and our tongues are the biggest challenges in conflict resolution. We all know that our anger and fear are conflict’s hallmark emotions and very difficult to control in the heat of battle. By the same token, anger is a God-given emotion and serves useful purposes: it signifies when others are disrespectful, violating our personal boundaries, or trampling upon our rights. Surely, however, we’ve all experiences anger’s destructive powers in varying degrees. So, if we can give our anger over to God, He will help carry and channel our anger into a constructive and righteous orientation. Additionally, if we call upon the Lord, He can compensate for our weakness and shortcomings as we contend with opponents. In my previous post, I emphasized that our desired outcomes in defeating our enemies must be for righteous and for peacemaking purposes—otherwise, we’re on our own.
Jeff Von Vonderen, a professional interventionist on the tv show Intervention elaborates:
Surrendering is about coming to the end of our own resources. Although ‘surrender’ is a word commonly used in a military context, spiritual surrender is not about losing or about being defeated. When we surrender spiritually, we gain enormously. It doesn’t mean resignation or compliance. Surrender helps restore our sanity. Whenever we observe ourselves growing anxious or angry or resentful, it is often a sign that we are trying to control something that is out of our control. It is a sign that we are trying to play God in our own lives or in the lives of others. Our anxiety, anger and resentments are often reminders to us to call on God’s grace and guidance. They are reminders to surrender. Fighting your enemies on their terms leads to spiritual disease. Bullies wouldn’t want to fight unless they weren’t already spiritually diseased. Same with resignation or compliance. They don’t lead us to a healthier spiritual life. When we surrender to God, we ask Him to take over and strategize for us. We give up on relying on our own resources“
(Soul Repair, p. 140-141).
There’s a difference between fighting and fighting honorably.
I‘m convinced that the battle accounts recorded in the Holy Bible and the Book of Mormon were written (in part) to instruct us in our interpersonal relationships. Yes, these accounts serve as prophetic warnings regarding our present-day national and global conflicts. Yet, every time I seek divine guidance for help with my adversaries, I’m led to scriptural passages outlining various battle strategies as part of my divine instruction. Consequently, I’ve become exceedingly well versed in the strategical mindsets and examples provided by the good guys: Moroni, Pahoran, Helaman, Lachoneus, Teancum, Nephi (son of Lehi), Nephi (son of Helaman), Jacob, Alma, and Mormon. Even Jesus Christ’s interactions with the Pharisees are strategic. My spiritual instruction has also included warnings against the exploitative maneuvers of the bad guys: Zerahemnah, Korihor, Zeezrom, Sherem, and Giddianhi (leader of the Gadianton robbers).
The good guys shared a common denominator: Nephite war policy was to engage only in defensive or preemptive battle. This strategy ensured continued blessings and directions from God because their motives were to protect and preserve their families, their possessions, their religion, and their liberty. The bad guys also shared a common denominator: They were dissenters against the gospel and the prophets. Always on the offensive, their intentions were self-serving and evil. Their methods relied on violence, subterfuge, and enslavement. They embodied power, pride, control, and dominance. Ferociousness and hatred were their badges of “honor.”
Moroni’s chilling account of his ongoing battle against Zerahemnah (the leader of the Lamanite army) aptly illustrates my point. Due to Zerahemnah’s unsuccessful attempts to dominate Moroni’s army, Zerahemnah pledges to drink Moroni’s blood. (A thirst for power and control makes people say and do crazy things!) As we know, Moroni eventually defeats Zerahemnah and offers fair proposals for peace. But, Zerahemnah has no interest in peace. He wants to win. Moroni’s offerings further enrage Zerahemnah—right into a hysterical meltdown. Raging, he strikes at Moroni. One of Moroni’s intervening soldiers scalps Zerahemnah. Impervious to Zerahemnah’s tantrum, Moroni instructs him to surrender or die.
This example sounds extreme, but it’s not. (Okay, the scalping part is extreme.) We’ve all experienced or witnessed varying degrees of emotional intensity involving group and individual interactions. For this reason, crimes of passion are categorized differently under American law than premeditated murder. Moroni shows admirable restraint while Zerahemnah rages at him. In fact, a considerable portion of the Book of Mormon highlights Moroni’s reluctance to engage in battle. When forced to fight, Moroni carefully and consistently outlines to his enemies his reasons for having to fighting them. Moroni’s fearless determination when writing to Pahoran further illustrates Moroni’s reasoning: “I do not fear your power nor your authority, but it is my God whom I fear; and it is according to his commandments that I do take my sword to defend the cause of my country, and it is because of your iniquity that we have suffered so much loss. I seek not for power, but to pull it down. I seek not for honor of the world, but for the glory of my god, and the freedom and welfare of my country” (Alma 60: 28, 36).
When forced to fight, we can fight like Moroni. (One exception: Make sure we know who our enemies are. Moroni mistakenly and vehemently excoriates an innocent Pahoran. Still, Pahoran’s response to Moroni is compassionately restrained.)
The tragic story of Saul and David
One of The Old Testament’s tragic stories concerns King Saul and David. As the anointed Israelite king, Saul is a complicated, conflicted, and tormented man. The book of Samuel describes him as “troubled by an evil spirit.” One day, Saul requests soothing music, so one of his servants recommends David, the son of Jesse; David is widely known for his talent as a harpist. The servant describes David:
[David] is skillful in playing, a mighty man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a handsome person; and the Lord is with him”
(1 Samuel 16: 23-25).
So, David becomes Saul’s armor bearer and remains in Saul’s court, playing the harp as needed to calm Saul’s anxiety. As Bible readers know, Saul loves and mentors David but grows conflicted and is eventually consumed by his jealousy, resentment, and envy of David—so much so that Saul hunts and repeatedly tries to kill David. Let’s examine David’s strategies in defending himself against Saul’s relentless assaults.
Saul resented and envied David’s increasing spirituality and wisdom.
- “And Saul was afraid of David because the Lord was with him” (David).
- “And the Spirit of God was upon David.”
- “Wherefore when Saul saw David behave himself very wisely, he was more afraid of him.”
- “And Saul saw and knew that the Lord was with David, and Saul was yet the more afraid of David; and Saul became David’s enemy continually.”
Saul’s growing resentment and anger drove away the Holy Spirit. As a result, Saul became more vulnerable to the darkness of Satan’s snares.
- “And an evil spirit was upon Saul.”
- “And Saul’s angered was kindled.”
- “And Saul was afraid of David, because the Lord was with him, and was departed from Saul.”
- “And the evil spirit was upon Saul as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand” (which he then threw at David hoping to kill him).
David’s military success and popularity threatened Saul. Even though Saul was king, the people loved and respected David more than Saul. And Saul deeply resented that.
- “All of Israel and Judah loved David. And he was accepted in the sight of all people.”
- All the women cheered, chanted, and danced in the streets in honor of David’s victory in battle.
- And Saul was “very wroth” when he heard all the people cheering for David because David “had slain tens of thousands and Saul hath slain thousands” in battle.
- Saul’s daughter loved David and wanted to marry him.
- Saul’s son, Jonathan, loved and protected David from Saul.
Saul’s family, friends, and associates were unsympathetic to Saul’s hatred, envy, and jealousy. Instead, they defended David:
- Saul’s son, Jonathan, constantly lectures Saul. He implores Saul, “Let not the king (Saul) sin against his servant (David) because [David] has not sinned against thee, and because his works have been to thee-ward very good. Wherefore then wilt thou sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?”
- “Jonathan spake good of David.”
- Saul’s servant said to Saul, “And who is so faithful among all thy servants as David and goeth at thy bidding, and is honorable in thine house?”
- “Jonathan knew it was determined of his father to slay David. So Jonathan arose in fierce anger for he was grieved for David because his father (Saul) had done him shame.”
Saul constantly portrayed himself as the victim.
- “All of you have conspired against me.”
- “There is none of you that is sorry for me.”
- “My son has stirred up my servants against me.”
- “Why hast thou deceived me?” (Upset because his servant didn’t kill a sleeping David, Saul accuses his servant of betrayal.)
- Saul tells his servants and soldiers how conniving David is. Saul says, “See where his haunt is, for it is told me that he dealeth very subtly. Therefore, take knowledge of all the lurking places where he hideth himself.” It doesn’t occur to Saul that David has no choice but to be subtle and conniving because Saul is trying to kill him!)
Saul’s animosity toward David turned into an obsession.
- “And Saul continually watched and spied on David and sought to smite him.”
- “And Saul sought [David] every day, but God delivered [David] NOT into his hand.”
- “And David knew that Saul secretly practiced mischief against him.”
- “And Saul sent messengers to David’s house to watch him.”
- “Saul sent messengers to David’s house again the third time.”
- Saul eventually chased David from city to city in attempts to kill him. “And David saw that Saul was come out to seek his life.”
Saul refused to be humble and accountable for his horrific behavior—until David trapped him and held a knife to his throat. Knowing he could easily kill Saul, David chose to confront and then release Saul instead.
- David chastised Saul saying, “Know and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it. The Lord judge between me and thee and the Lord avenge me of thee, but mine hand shall not be upon thee.”
- “Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the Lord had delivered thee today into mine hand…and some bade me kill thee, but mine eye spared thee. And I said I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the Lord’s anointed.”
- David also rebukes Saul’s hateful obsession: “After whom is the king of Israel come out? After whom dost thou pursue? After a dead dog, after a flea.”
- At last, Saul Saul confesses: “Thou [David] art more righteous than I; for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.”
In contrast to Saul, David utilized the Spirit for his own personal peace and also as protection from Saul’s attacks.
- David repeatedly “enquired yet again of the Lord” as to how to deal with Saul.
- “And the Lord answered” David every time saying, “I will deliver thee.”
- David had just cause to kill Saul. But knowing Saul was an anointed king, David once again chose the moral high ground and spared Saul.
Our Modern-day Battles
Our battles are often categorized into two branches: interpersonal conflicts and group conflicts based on religion, ethnicity, and/or politics. Most of our battles will be a war of words. Again, the scriptures provide instructive examples for us to follow: Christ exemplifies verbal peacemaking. Jacob’s verbal spar against Korihor. Alma and Amulek’s rebuke to Zeezrom. These examples are a smattering of effective communication models for our day. We should remember that they silenced their opponents because they spoke using the Holy Spirit. Hearts and minds are changed and battles won with this ultimate and divine “weapon.”
The Book of Mormon talks about the Gadianton robbers. They meticulously organized using secret signs, pacts, etc. to keep their underground enterprise alive. Modern-day Gadianton robbers are highly organized, well financed, and far more sophisticated. Today’s Western societies are succumbing to the rampant moral, cultural, and political corruption I believe that America is in the midst of a “cold” civil war. Currently, the weapons include inflammatory words, manipulation, accusations, reasoning (including fallacies), argumentative and verbal skill, political self-interest, massive street protests, cancel culture, refusing accountability, law-fare, group divisions, and many other tactics. We often have difficulty distinguishing “the good guys from the bad guys.” As individuals, we are obviously limited in our abilities to defend ourselves and our principles. Still, we can do our part to fight honorably using the strategies I’ve discussed here.
Artist: Arnold Freiberg
“I rejoice in the greatness of your heart.” (Pahoran’s response to Moroni)
The same principles apply to our interpersonal conflicts. Pride was always the Nephite downfall. Let’s learn from the Nephites and refuse to let our pride creep into our interactions and our relationships. Furthermore, infighting within our Latter-day Saint community serves to weaken us against far more dangerous adversaries such as those who threaten our freedoms and religious liberty. Let’s use the tools for constructive and productive dialogue for the purpose of peacemaking. Minister and author Joyce Meyer offers this great piece of advice (she includes her own fallible self—and I include my own fallibility).
When people hurt us most of the time they’re acting out of their own pain and their own dysfunction, and their own weirdness. Many times they don’t mean to target us, but they don’t realize how much pain they’re inflicting because they live in pain. My dad sexually abused me for years. Before he died he told me, ‘I had no idea that what I was doing would hurt you so bad.’ God wants us to grow spiritually to the point where we are more concerned about what people are doing to themselves when they hurt us than what they’re actually doing to us.
Her last sentence is profound. I’m not there yet. But, I pray we can see our adversaries as the Lord sees them—helping us to use compassion and love coupled with courage, righteous judgment, and most of all, using the Spirit in our interactions.
Victory,
Julie
