Be on the right side of history.
A friend asked me to write a post about confrontation. Specifically, she wanted advice on confronting a friend. Because teaching argumentation is my profession, my students, friends, and family often ask me about confrontation:
- How do I handle a hostile person, co-worker, boss, or group?
- How do I constructively express my anger?
- How do I confront, should I confront, and when do I confront?
- How do I constructively express my anger?
- How do I defend myself?
- How do I win an argument?
Obviously, there’s no cookie cutter response. Every situation presents its own challenges; each person is unique. Various forms of communication are learned skill sets and require practice to master them. I’ll be the first to acknowledge my imperfections as I continue to hone my communication skills. In this post, I’ll share my own observations, mindsets, and strategies for interpersonal communication and basic conflict resolution. I will also use specific scriptural examples and illustrate their application to our individual interpersonal relationships. My observations are also coming from an American perspective. Finally, I use the words “opposition” and “enemies” interchangeably.
Competition is inevitable because comparison is inevitable. But the resulting conflict is always costly.
Over the years, I’ve fashioned my own code of ethics relative to conflict:
- Don’t view others through a competitive or comparative lens. Competition and rivalry breed resentment and hostility within ourselves and in our relationships. Yes, our capitalistic society thrives on individualism and competition, but it should not be at the expense of maintaining healthy relationships.
- If possible, propose a win/win proposition rather than a win/lose proposition.
- Avoid seeing ourselves as perpetual victims. Not everyone is out to get us. Western societies celebrate and perpetuate “victimhood” status, but it’s often a false form of power and can also be a form of “unrighteous dominion.”
- Those who initiate offensive attacks cannot claim the moral high ground. I’d rather “lose” in competitive interpersonal game-playing than lose my integrity and self-respect.
- Therefore, never cast the first stone or throw the first punch—whether in word, action, or passive-aggression.
- Don’t be sucked into an enemy’s or the opposition’s antics. Don’t be manipulated by the enemy’s playbook.
- If we are compelled to defend ourselves by “playing the game” or “fighting fire with fire,” then call upon divine intervention to help us maintain the moral high ground, fight fair, and ultimately defeat our opposition. Pray for wisdom, utterance, and protection.
- Know and understand your opponent. Observe this person’s behavior patterns. Does he or she treat others differently than you? Does he or she single you out? Search for a potential motive. Pray for guidance and clarity of mind in order to make righteous judgments in proceeding forward.
- Pray for knowledge about your opponent. Knowledge is power. Knowing and understanding an enemy creates a very strong defense or “stronghold” as the Book of Mormon defines it. Notice that Moroni obtained “a perfect knowledge” of his enemy, Ammoron. Moroni also “had a perfect knowledge of Ammoron’s fraud; yea, he knew that Ammoron knew that it was not a just cause that had caused him to wage a war against the people of Nephi” (Alma 55:1). We, too, can gain a perfect knowledge of our opposition and their intentions through divine guidance. (I have detailed this principle in a previous post called “Got Enemies?” In that post, I personally testify of attaining specific information—every single time—through divine guidance pertaining to my adversaries.
- Be credible and ethical. Aristotle taught that our credibility (how others perceive us) is a powerful form of persuasion. Ironically, acknowledging our individual imperfections, faults, and fallibility gives us more credibility; we are perceived as trustworthy. In short, the best offense is a good defense: our credibility is an inherent effective defense if others perceive us as credible. Credibility has four components: competence, trustworthiness, concern, and dynamism.
- Stay calm during conflict. Our emotions build or destroy our credibility and ethics. Thus, use our emotions to work for us not against us. Any uncontrolled emotion undermines our credibility and creates more tension.
- Encourage constructive and productive dialogue with your opponent. If he or she refuses, we can disengage but keep the door open for future discussion.
- Acknowledge our opponent’s perspective and humanity. (This strengthens our credibility.)
- Draw clear parameters or boundaries. Don’t let others manipulate us through fear or guilt.
- Speak our truths but show a willingness to negotiate with opponents (unless negotiating jeopardizes our own sense of morality).
- Be willing to hear our opponent’s truth—even if his or her truth is immoral or wrong. (Our opponents will claim the same thing about us.)
- Be willing to walk away or end the relationship if our opponent refuses to constructively communicate or rejects all offers for resolution and peace.
- If possible, don’t trash our opponents. There’s a difference between talking about our opponents/enemies and trashing them.
“Joan of Arc” by John Gilbert
Again, every one of us (myself included) falls short and make mistakes when dealing with opposition and enemies. And that’s okay. Controlling our emotions is one of the biggest challenges in conflict resolution. Anger and fear are the hallmark emotions in conflict and (as we all know) are very difficult to control in the heat of battle. By the same token, anger is a God-given emotion and serves useful purposes: Our anger signifies when others are invading our personal boundaries or trampling upon our rights. However, we all know of anger’s destructive powers. So, if we can give our anger over to God, He will help carry and channel our anger into a constructive and righteous orientation. Additionally, the Lord will compensate for our weakness and shortcomings as we contend with opponents. As I wrote in a previous post, our desired outcomes in defeating our enemies must be for righteous and peacemaking purposes. Otherwise, we’re on our own.
Jeff Von Vonderen, a professional interventionist on the tv show Intervention elaborates:
Surrendering is about coming to the end of our own resources. Although ‘surrender’ is a word commonly used in a military context, spiritual surrender is not about losing or about being defeated. When we surrender spiritually, we gain enormously. It doesn’t mean resignation or compliance. Surrender helps restore our sanity. Whenever we observe ourselves growing anxious or angry or resentful, it is often a sign that we are trying to control something that is out of our control. It is a sign that we are trying to play God in our own lives or in the lives of others. Our anxiety, anger and resentments are often reminders to us to call on God’s grace and guidance. They are reminders to surrender. Fighting your enemies on their terms leads to spiritual disease. Bullies wouldn’t want to fight unless they weren’t already spiritually diseased. Same with resignation or compliance. They don’t lead us to a healthier spiritual life. When we surrender to God, we ask Him to take over and strategize for us. We give up on relying on our own resources“
(Soul Repair, p. 140-141).
There’s a difference between fighting and fighting honorably.
I‘m convinced that the battle accounts recorded in The Holy Bible and Book of Mormon were written to instruct us in our interpersonal relationships. Yes, these accounts serve as prophetic warnings regarding our present day global conflicts. Yet, every time I’ve sought divine guidance in dealing with my adversaries, the Lord includes these various battle strategies as part of my divine instruction. Consequently, I have become exceedingly well versed in the strategical mindsets and examples provided by the good guys: Moroni, Pahoran, Helamen, Lachoneus, Teancum, Nephi (son of Lehi), Nephi (son of Helamen), Jacob, Alma, and Mormon. (Jesus Christ is the obvious ultimate example.) My spiritual instruction has also included warnings against the exploitative maneuvers of the bad guys: Zerahemnah, Korihor, Zeezrom, Sherem, and Giddianhi (leader of the Gadianton robbers).
The good guys shared a common denominator: Nephite war policy was to engage only in defensive or preemptive battle. This strategy ensured continued blessings and directions from God. Their motives were to protect and preserve their families, their possessions, their religion, and their liberty. The bad guys also shared a common denominator: They were always the dissenters against the gospel, and they were always on the offensive using violent methods of striking and ambushing. And, they were always about power, pride, control, and dominance. Ferociousness and hatred were their badges of “honor.”
Moroni’s chilling account of his ongoing battle against Zerahemnah aptly illustrates my point. Due to Zerahemnah’s unsuccessful attempts to dominate Moroni and his army, Zerahemnah pledges to drink Moroni’s blood. (A thirst for power and control makes people say and do crazy things!) As we know, Moroni eventually defeats Zerahemnah and offers fair proposals for peace. But, Zerahemnah has no interest in peace. He wants to win. Moroni’s offerings only enrage Zerahemnah further right into Zerahemnah’s hysterical meltdown. In his rage, he strikes at Moroni. Consequently, one of Moroni’s soldiers intervenes and scalps Zerahemnah. Impervious to Zerahemnah’s tantrum, Moroni forces him to either surrender or die.
This example sounds extreme, but it’s not. These interpersonal dynamics are very common in group and individual relationships and pertain to all of us on some level. For this reason, crimes of passion are in a different category under American law than that of premeditated murder. Moroni shows admirable restraint in this passage of scripture. In fact, a considerable portion of the Book of Mormon highlights Moroni’s reluctance to engage in battle. When forced to fight, Moroni carefully and consistently outlined to his enemies his reasons for wielding his sword and his armies against them. My favorite quotation from Moroni (when he wrote an epistle to one of his enemies) provides further insight: “I do not fear your power nor your authority, but it is my God whom I fear; and it is according to his commandments that I do take my sword to defend the cause of my country, and it is because of your iniquity that we have suffered so much loss. I seek not for power, but to pull it down. I seek not for honor of the world, but for the glory of my god, and the freedom and welfare of my country” (Alma 60: 28, 36).
When an opponent or adversary forces me to fight, I try to fight like Moroni.
The tragic story of Saul and David
One of The Old Testament’s saddest stories is that of King Saul and David. Saul was the anointed Israelite king. The book of Samuel describes Saul as “troubled by an evil spirit.” Thus, when Saul requests soothing music, one of his servants recommends David, the son of Jesse; David is widely known for his talent as a harpist. The servant’s description of David includes:
[David] is skillful in playing, a mighty man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a handsome person; and the Lord is with him”
(1 Samuel 16: 23-25).
So, David becomes Saul’s armor bearer and remains in Saul’s court, playing the harp as needed to calm Saul’s anxiety. Saul grows to love and admire David. And, as Bible readers know, Saul’s love and admiration for David eventually sours into resentment and envy—so much so that Saul repeatedly tries to kill David. Let’s examine David’s strategies in defending himself against Saul’s relentless assaults.
Saul resented and envied David’s increasing spirituality and wisdom.
- “And Saul was afraid of David because the Lord was with him” (David).
- “And the Spirit of God was upon David.”
- “Wherefore when Saul saw David behave himself very wisely, he was more afraid of him.”
- “And Saul saw and knew that the Lord was with David, and Saul was yet the more afraid of David; and Saul became David’s enemy continually.”
Saul’s growing resentment and anger drove away the Holy Spirit. As a result, Saul became more vulnerable to the darkness of Satan’s snares.
- “And an evil spirit was upon Saul.”
- “And Saul’s angered was kindled.”
- “And Saul was afraid of David, because the Lord was with him, and was departed from Saul.”
- “And the evil spirit was upon Saul as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand” (which he then threw at David hoping to kill him).
David’s military success and popularity threatened Saul. Even though Saul was king, the people loved and respected David more than Saul. And Saul deeply resented that.
- “All of Israel and Judah loved David. And he was accepted in the sight of all people.”
- All the women cheered, chanted, and danced in the streets in honor of David’s victory in battle.
- And Saul was “very wroth” when he heard all the people cheering for David because David “had slain tens of thousands and Saul hath slain thousands” in battle.
- Saul’s daughter loved David and wanted to marry him.
- Saul’s son, Jonathan, loved and protected David from Saul.
Saul’s family, friends, and associates were unsympathetic to Saul’s hatred, envy, and jealousy. Instead, they defended David:
- Saul’s son, Jonathan, constantly lectures Saul. He implores Saul, “Let not the king (Saul) sin against his servant (David) because [David] has not sinned against thee, and because his works have been to thee-ward very good. Wherefore then wilt thou sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?”
- “Jonathan spake good of David.”
- Saul’s servant said to Saul, “And who is so faithful among all thy servants as David and goeth at thy bidding, and is honorable in thine house?”
- “Jonathan knew it was determined of his father to slay David. So Jonathan arose in fierce anger for he was grieved for David because his father (Saul) had done him shame.”
Saul constantly portrayed himself as the victim.
- “All of you have conspired against me.”
- “There is none of you that is sorry for me.”
- “My son has stirred up my servants against me.”
- “Why hast thou deceived me?” (Upset because his servant didn’t kill a sleeping David, Saul accuses his servant of betrayal.)
- Saul tells his servants and soldiers how conniving David is. Saul says, “See where his haunt is, for it is told me that he dealeth very subtly. Therefore, take knowledge of all the lurking places where he hideth himself.” It doesn’t occur to Saul that David has no choice but to be subtle and conniving because Saul is trying to kill him!)
Saul’s animosity toward David turned into an obsession.
- “And Saul continually watched and spied on David and sought to smite him.”
- “And Saul sought [David] every day, but God delivered [David] NOT into his hand.”
- “And David knew that Saul secretly practiced mischief against him.”
- “And Saul sent messengers to David’s house to watch him.”
- “Saul sent messengers to David’s house again the third time.”
- Saul eventually chased David from city to city in attempts to kill him. “And David saw that Saul was come out to seek his life.”
Saul refused to be humble and accountable for his horrific behavior—until David trapped him and held a knife to his throat. Knowing he could easily kill Saul, David chose to confront and then release Saul instead.
- David chastised Saul saying, “Know and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it. The Lord judge between me and thee and the Lord avenge me of thee, but mine hand shall not be upon thee.”
- “Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the Lord had delivered thee today into mine hand…and some bade me kill thee, but mine eye spared thee. And I said I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the Lord’s anointed.”
- David also rebukes Saul’s hateful obsession: “After whom is the king of Israel come out? After whom dost thou pursue? After a dead dog, after a flea.”
- At last, Saul Saul confesses: “Thou [David] art more righteous than I; for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.”
In contrast to Saul, David utilized the Spirit for his own personal peace and also as protection from Saul’s attacks.
- David repeatedly “enquired yet again of the Lord” as to how to deal with Saul.
- “And the Lord answered” David every time saying, “I will deliver thee.”
- David had just cause to kill Saul. But knowing Saul was an anointed king, David once again chose the moral high ground and spared Saul.
Our Modern-day Battles
Our battles are often categorized into two branches: interpersonal conflicts and group conflicts based on religion, ethnicity, and/or politics. Most of our battles will be a war of words. Once again, we can look to the scriptures and follow Christ’s example of verbal peacemaking. Jacob’s verbal spar against Korihor—along with Alma’s rebuke against Zeezrom—serve as effective communication models for our day. We should remember however, that all of these men silenced their opponents because they called upon and thus spoke with the Holy Spirit. Hearts and minds are changed and battles won with this ultimate “weapon.”
Surely, the Gadianton robbers meticulously organized using secret signs, pacts, etc. to keep their underground enterprise alive. Modern-day Gadianton robbers even more so. For instance, we are living in an increasingly secular society reflecting a growing hostility toward religion. The secularists’ weapons consist of words, reasoning, argumentative skill, and manipulation of public policies. We can fight them, and we can fight them well and honorably using the strategies I’ve discussed here.
Artist: Arnold Freiberg
“I rejoice in the greatness of your heart.” (Pahoran’s response to Moroni)
The same principles apply to our interpersonal conflicts. Pride was always the Nephite downfall. Let’s learn the lessons provided by the Nephites and refuse to let our pride creep into our relationships. Furthermore, infighting within our Latter-day Saint community serves to weaken us against far more dangerous adversaries such as those who threaten our freedoms and religious liberty. Let’s use the tools for constructive and productive dialogue for the purpose of peacemaking. Minister and author Joyce Meyer offers this great piece of advice (of which she includes her own fallible self—and I include my own fallibility).
When people hurt us most of the time they’re acting out of their own pain and their own dysfunction, and their own weirdness. Many times they don’t mean to target us, but they don’t realize how much pain they’re inflicting because they live in pain. My dad sexually abused me for years. Before he died he told me, ‘I had no idea that what I was doing would hurt you so bad.’ God wants us to grow spiritually to the point where we are more concerned about what people are doing to themselves when they hurt us than what they’re actually doing to us.
Her last sentence is profound. I’m not there yet. But, I pray that we may see our adversaries as the Lord sees them, as this helps us to use compassion and love coupled with righteous judgments in our interactions.
Victory,
Julie