Got community?
“I feel so relieved after listening to your talk and hearing your experiences.” And, “I thought I was the only one who struggled with this. Thank you for sharing your feelings.” As a counselor in a California stake Relief Society presidency and as a college instructor, I frequently hear these comments. I am willing to “put myself out there” and expose my weakness and vulnerability because I’ve come to understand the power of genuine community. (Hence, the reason for this blog.) Unfortunately, many of us in our Latter-day Saint community feel isolated and afraid to share our weaknesses and burdens with our ward and/or stake family. Why? I know the reasons are many and multi-dimensional. Still, here’s my own brief list:
- We might (and often do) fear judgment and disapproval from fellow church members.
- We might suffer from the “Don’t-make-me-look-bad-as-a-parent” syndrome. When our children are less than perfect, or struggling, or fail to “set a good example” for their peers, we might feel (rightly or wrongly) shame and embarrassment.
- We might feel pressure to epitomize the ideal Latter-day Saint woman, man, and/or family to whom everyone looks upon with respect and admiration.
- We might feel the desire to look or feel like we “belong” or are accepted by fellow Latter-day Saints. Perhaps we desire to fit into a certain LDS mold of having an eternal, loving marriage with a large and righteous posterity.
- If we, our spouse, or our family members “fail” to live up to these ideals, we might feel that God and others are disappointed with us.
- Perhaps, we feel like we are struggling alone in dealing with emotional illness or addiction.
The Addiction Recovery Program of LDS Family Services discusses three basic needs in our lives “that we continually seek to satisfy”:
The need to be safe. Feeling safe covers things such as knowing where our next meal is coming from, knowing we won’t be thrown out of our homes, and knowing that no one will hurt us physically or emotionally.
The need to belong. We are part of a family unit, a church group, a work group, or a neighborhood. Belonging is so important that young teens will join gangs in order to get a sense of being a vital part of something. Our group is a place where we are seen, valued, and loved just for being a part of the group.
The need to be valued. We can be loved and valued for who we are and what we have to contribute. The need to be valued is met when someone says ‘ask so-and-so, they will know just how to do that,’ or ‘don’t worry, so-and-so will never let us down.’ We don’t have to be good at everything, but we do need to know that we can make a meaningful contribution or we will begin to feel worthless ” (LDS Family Services – Utah County North, p. 27).
In order to have healthy interpersonal relationships and a loving community of Saints, we need to meet these basic needs in appropriate ways. LDS Family Services further counsels:
When we know that others are always there to love us regardless of our choices or behaviors, we grow to trust them. By learning to recognize and state our needs clearly, we can become stable and attract stability from others. In this setting we can recognize where we are off balance. Our confidence in our Heavenly Father’s plan and for that of others is strengthened. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love and value us. Their relationship with us has always been and will ever be real, secure, and healthy. Our goal becomes one of developing the same relationships with those around us. Our basic needs will be met and we will be part of meeting these same needs with others in ways that are appropriate and according to God’s will”
(p. 27).
These concepts sound simple enough, but unless we are truly emotionally aware, we tend to feed into hurtful and harmful communication patterns in order to build up our own fearful selves at the expense of another person’s (as well as our children’s) fearful self. As I’ve stated in previous posts, the only way I can free myself from fear (and to be a more effective instrument in helping others) is to begin by openly sharing some of my own struggles. Some people might disapprove of my openness and directness. Still, by working to cast aside my fear of disapproval, I know that my feelings of personal freedom will increase—because I can still know that I am loved by God and my family and true friends. And, I feel confident that I’m giving God more to work with by casting my fear upon Him.
Dr. Scott Peck discusses notions of community in terms of family and various types of community:
In and through community lies the salvation of the world. Nothing is more important. I need you, and you me, for salvation. We must come into community with each other. We need each other. True communication, like the charity it requires, begins at home. Perhaps peacemaking starts small. I have discovered its extreme importance in my own life and in the lives of thousands of my fellow humans as we struggle together to communicate without superficiality or distortion or animosity. Spiritual healing is a process of becoming whole or holy. Most specifically, I would define it as an ongoing process of becoming increasingly conscious. [We need] to make the unconscious conscious … those aspects of ourselves that we do not want to own or recognize and that we continually attempt to sweep under the rug of consciousness. It is no longer possible for us to save our own skins while remaining ignorant of our own motives and unconscious of our own cultures“
(The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace, pp. 18-19).
I agree with Dr. Peck; I’m starting small in the peacemaking and building community processes by becoming conscious of my own thought and behavior patterns … and then talking more openly about them. Let’s give each other permission to be who we are and who we are meant to be. Let’s give ourselves permission to be who we are. We cannot become sincerely loving toward ourselves and others unless we come to some sort of place of self-acceptance. I was in my 40s before I finally felt free to be me.
Here’s to a “commitment to community,”
Julie