Suffering from the disease to please?
What’s so bad about being nice? If we’re determined to be “nice” at all costs, then something’s wrong—perhaps with us. In a previous post I wrote about the “Inauthentic Niceness Syndrome.” In this post, I’ll discuss our sincerity in trying to be nice—but often to the detriment of our own emotional well-being. Growing up in California, I was raised on the ethos of niceness. “Be nice,” was a mantra in my family, in our Latter-day Saint Church culture (at least in North America), and in our often still prevalant American societal expectations of girls and women. (Today, society’s mantra, “Be kind,” seems to have replaced “Be nice.”) Don’t get me wrong. I fervently support the notions of niceness and kindness in how we treat others. In this post, I am writing within the context of allowing ourselves to be mistreated or harmed by others under the banner of niceness or kindness.
Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf – Artist unknown.
In any case, as a young adult, I learned my lessons well. I tried to be nice—no matter what. When others (particularly women) were rude to me, I smiled rather than confront them. (But like many other people, I figured out other indirect ways to “voice” my displeasure using passive-aggression.) My “niceness” came at a very high cost; I wasn’t true to my own self. Now, I’m recovering from people-pleasing compulsions. It hasn’t been easy. I’m forever reminding myself that it’s okay to be less than “nice” when someone is overtly mistreating me. Divine intervention has also helped me: As a college instructor, my job is to evaluate students, not please them. I’m in an environment where I will never be able to please every student. Not all of them will like me—no matter how nice I am. And that’s okay. Not everyone has to like me. Dr. Harriet Braiker defines the dangers and pitfalls of the “Niceness Syndrome”:
People-pleasers whose distorted thinking is the predominant cause of their syndrome are ensnared in burdensome and self-defeating mindsets that perpetuate their disease to please problems. [You are] driven by a fixed thought that you need and must strive for everyone to like you. You measure your self-esteem and define your identity by how much you do for others whose needs, you insist, MUST come before your own. You believe that being nice will protect you from rejection and other hurtful treatment from others. And while you impose demanding rules, harsh criticism, and perfectionistic expectations on yourself, you simultaneously yearn for universal acceptance. In short, you have thought your way into the problem and, to a significant extent, you will need to think your way to recovery“
(The Disease to Please, 2001, p. 6).
I had to learn that no matter how much I tried to be nice and to please others, I would not automatically be rewarded with niceness in return. And I had to stop feeling betrayed when others didn’t acknowledge my efforts in the name of niceness. I still struggle to overcome my fear of angry people or my fear of potentially causing people to feel angry toward me. Gradually, I realized that my fear of angry people was tied into my people-pleasing mindset. Dr. Braiker further elaborates:
People-pleasers syndrome is primarily caused by the avoidance of frightening and uncomfortable feelings. You will recognize the high anxiety that merely the anticipation or possibility of an angry confrontation with others evokes. Your disease to please syndrome operates primarily as an avoidance tactic intended to protect you from your fears of anger, conflict, and confrontation. As you already may know, the tactic is faulty. Your fears not only fail to diminish, they even intensify, as the avoidance patterns persist. Because you avoid difficult emotions, you never allow yourself to learn how to effectively manage conflict or how to deal appropriately with angry [people]. As a consequence, you relinquish control too easily to those who would dominate you through intimidation and manipulation”
(p. 6).
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing
Dr. Braiker uncovers the ironies of people-pleasing:
People pleasing is an odd problem. At first glance, it may not even seem like a problem at all. In fact, the phrase “people-pleaser” might feel more like a compliment or a flattering self-description that you proudly wear as a badge of honor. After all, what’s wrong with trying to make others happy? Shouldn’t we all strive to please the people we love and even those we just like a lot? Surely the world would be a happier place if there were more people-pleasers….wouldn’t it? [However] your emotional tuning dials are jammed on the frequency of what you believe other people want or expect of you…you turn a deaf ear to your own inner voice….trying to protect you from overextending yourself and from operating against your own self-interests. Your self-esteem is all tied up with how successful you are at pleasing others. Fulfilling the needs of others becomes the magic formula for gaining love and self-worth and protection from abandonment and rejection. But in reality, it’s a formula that simply doesn’t work. People-pleasers become deeply attached to seeing themselves—and to being certain that others see them—as NICE people. Their very identity derives from this image of niceness. And, while they may believe that being nice protects them from unpleasant situations with friends and family, in actuality, ,the price they pay is still far too high. The more you identify with being nice, instead of being real, the more you will find yourself plagued by nagging doubts, insecurities, and lingering fears“
(pp. 8-9).
That last line personifies the “old me” perfectly. The desire to please can paralyze us to the point that we allow others to verbally abuse and devalue us. By the same token, our refusal to talk openly to those who (intentionally or unintentionally) hurt or mistreat us serves to undermine and even end our relationships.
Artist: Daniel Ridgeway
Dr. Braiker also points out that in our niceness, other people will often manipulate and exploit our willingness to please them. I learned that keeping up my facade of “niceness at all costs” prevented me from showing my true feelings, my anger, frustration, and indignation when I felt mistreated by friends, co-workers, family, and even strangers. Surely, I got some sort of pay-off when I let others (intentionally or unintentionally) mistreat me; I got to be “the nice one.” And often times, I wasn’t really the “nice” one because, like I said before, I often responded using passive-aggression. Either way, I decided I’d rather have my self-respect.
For the rest of my life, my knee-jerk response will probably always be to adapt and to please others who intimidate or are rude to me. At least I have freed myself from the burden of feeling I have no other option than inauthentic niceness. It is a process to retrain our thoughts, feelings, and ultimately our behaviors for the purpose of being authentic. All it takes is one thought at a time to generate progress. As we celebrate our little victories over our thoughts and then our feelings, and then our behaviors, we become more powerful. We become the guardians of our own destiny.
There’s hope for the cure,
Julie
(The title of this post comes from a chapter title of Harriet Braiker’s book The Disease to Please.)