What’s the temperature in our LDS Church gatherings?
Sometimes, I’m cold. I’ll sit on the back row in Relief Society and Sacrament meetings to avoid any real conversation and then dash out the door after the closing prayer. I’m always feeling shy and slightly anxious at the prospect of sitting next to sisters I don’t know or who are casual acquaintances. (Even more, I’m slightly uncomfortable even sharing hymn books while singing!) For me, it’s simply easier to smile at sisters from across the room and then wave a friendly “good-bye” from my car as I pull out of the parking lot. (I know, I sound very unfriendly and cold.) But, sometimes, I’m warm. I can excel in small talk and polite conversation. Still, I have to make a conscious effort to be “warm” and engaging—especially among my Relief Society sisters. So, I wince when I hear fellow sisters talk about the unfriendliness or coldness of various ward Relief Society and Sacrament meeting “climates” because I know that I’m often “one of those” sisters.
As an American “Baby Boomer” (people born between 1946-1964), I have noticed a wonderful change within the Latter-day Saint culture. The communication climate of perfectionistic dialogue and expectations has changed during the last 20 years. I have seen a definite positive, affirming shift in Church communication climates in Relief Society, Sunday School, and Sacrament meetings. The Latter-day Saint general conference talks completely center around Jesus Christ, His Atonement, and His grace. Still, we as Church members can be cautious in how we perceive and describe each other during our meetings and gatherings.
In this post I’ll discuss various communication climates within our individual ward Relief Societies including —particularly communication climates within the Sunday Relief Society lessons. This post is based on a presentation I gave for my California stake Relief Society leadership meeting last October. (As a counselor in our stake Relief Society presidency, my stewardship involves the Sunday lessons instruction.) I will lay out my comments in the following order:
- The various dimensions and degrees of communication climates
- Their application to our ward Relief Societies
- Ways in which we can foster more warmth and love in our ward Relief Society communication climates
- The power of Relief Society presidencies, instructors, and audience members’ comments in fostering negative or positive climates
Communication climate refers to the social tone of a relationship or relationships within groups. The climate doesn’t involve specific activities as much as the way people feel about each other as they carry out those activities. For example, we know that lesson content in our Relief Society manuals is exactly the same. But the presentation and context of the lesson differs in each ward due to the way in which the instructor presents the information and how that message is received by the sisters in the audience.
According to Dr. Julia Wood, the communication climate is defined as:
. . . the overall feeling or emotional mood between people—warm or cold, safe or anxious, comfortable or awkward, accepting or rejecting, open or guarded—that is shaped by verbal or nonverbal interaction between people. Understand communication climates will give you insight into why you feel relaxed and comfortable or uneasy and defensive. Further, learning how communication shapes communication climates will empower you to create and sustain the climates that you want in your interactions”
Interpersonal Communication & Everyday Encounters, 2010, p. 197).
In other words, it’s not so much the lesson material in and of itself in our Church meetings—it’s often the style, manner, and tone of the Relief Society (or Church meetings) instructors’ delivery that helps to determine positive or negative communication climates. It’s also in the way that the audience responds to the lesson content, to the instructor as a person, to the instructor’s teaching style, along with the sisters’ feelings about each other as a whole. To top it off, the comments of those in the audience during the lesson can also positively or negatively affect the meetings’ communication climate. Every class, every lesson, and every comment has the power to create a more unifying communication climate or a more discordant one. Take a look at the sisters below. Let’s assume this scenario takes places after a Sunday Relief Society lesson. What are the different ways we could interpret this particular environment? Have you ever felt depressed or demoralized by comments made by the Relief Society (or any other Church meetings) instructor and/or comments from others in the audience? I know I have—I’ve played the roles of both women portrayed in the image below.
Here are just a few comments I’ve heard in Relief Society (or Church meetings) that have hurt other sisters:
- “You’re not a “good” Latter-day Saint unless you’ve read the entire Book of Mormon.”
- “You should be memorizing parts of all of the general conference talks. That’s the best.” That’s fine, but the “should” part inflicts unnecessary guilt on listeners.
- “Past mistakes and sins cannot make you stronger. They stunt your spiritual growth.” (Not according to the Book of Mormon in Ether 12:27.) Surely, sin dampers our spiritual growth, but making mistakes is part of the learning process.
- “My children have all made wise choices because they didn’t want to disappoint me. And we all know that my youngest is, well, practically perfect.” (Yes, the instructor said this with a straight face.)
Have you had similar experiences at Church? We’re all human and we all unintentionally say things and do things that hurt or offend. And, of course, as Church members, we dutifully and lovingly help each other discern and overcome our weaknesses and sins during our Church meeting time together. However, for every sin and weakness we discuss, we can and must emphasize the healing and redemptive power of Jesus Christ’s Atonement. Christ is our advocate and the encompassing and powerful counterweight of hope and grace when our works and imperfections fail us. As I watch and witness Jesus Christ becoming the literal and permanent “centerpiece” on our Relief Society lesson tables and in our other Church meetings, I am basking in an increasing loving, warm communication climate.
Alma 26:16 says, “Therefore, let us glory, yea, we will glory in the Lord, yea, we will rejoice, for our joy is full, yea we will praise God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.”
How wonderful that we can spend such precious time gathering in Relief Society and Church meetings rejoicing in our Savior rather than berating ourselves and others because of our imperfections? Our gathering time can be a place of peace and safety assuring that none of our sisters and brothers leave feeling demoralized, or shamed. (I am overjoyed to witness an even greater positive change since originally writing this post.)
I will now discuss how the following communication patterns determine a warm or cold communication climate:
- The Warm. Righteousness and unity promoted from the doctrine outlined in the Church approved lesson material. A warm and loving Relief Society or Gospel Doctrine instructor who is sensitive to the feelings of others in the room.
- The Cold. Sometimes the Relief Society or Gospel Doctrine instructors’s perception and meaning of the message can distort and undermine the true meaning of the lesson. Also, comments (and thus other perceptions) made from others in the room during class discussion can further distort meaning and create disharmony among those attending the class. Finally, the listener perception of Church “culture” vs. church doctrine during lessons and class discussions can further distort meaning, thus effectively undermining unity and harmony.
A communication climate is strongly related to job satisfaction and performance. This principle also applies to our Relief Society and Gospel Doctrine lessons and discussions. Just like the weather, communication climates can change from cloudy and stormy to warm and sunny in an instant. One word, one comment can change the whole dynamic.
Why does some communication create a positive climate while other behavior has the opposite effect? The communication climate is determined by the degree to which people see themselves as valued. How we speak and act in our Relief Society and Gospel Doctrine lessons and discussions matters. Many times listeners often quietly accept what is being said, but go home feeling discouraged or devalued.
We can become more aware of our communication climate in promoting unity:
- Climates of discord. Evaluation, judgment, superiority, pride, contentious “activism”
- Climates of unity. Love, mercy, the Atonement, “We’re all in this together” attitude, empathy, compassion
The sure-fire way to create positive communication climates is to invite the Spirit and encourage it to stay. When we speak of Jesus Christ, we can automatically invite the Spirit. If we put too much of our focus on our ability to “perfectly obey,” we may too easily think of Christ’s Atonement as an “after thought.” We can temper the “justice” tone with the “mercy” tone in our lessons and class discussions by emphasizing Christ’s power to heal and deliver us.
To further promote unity, we can emphasize the Savior’s unconditional love for each one of us. When we learn to love ourselves, we can more easily love others. As I’ve stated in previous posts, our Heavenly Father expects us to be fallible and make mistakes. That’s all part of the Plan of Salvation and the reason for Christ’s atonement. Surely, we are all capable of sin and righteousness. According to LDS therapist, Wendy Ulrich, we can promote unity and love by coming to some sort of self-acceptance of ourselves and each other, and be willing to do things imperfectly until we learn to do all things well (Ulrich, 2009).
To further promote peace, we can emphasize the co-existence of “good” and righteous attitudes and behavior opposed to “bad” behavior, sins, and weaknesses within ourselves and in each other. I suggest the following:
- We can eliminate the “either/or” perceptions of each other during lessons and class discussions. We’re not all “bad” and we’re not all “good.”
- We can accept that we are a combination of both our strengths and weaknesses, successes, and failures.
- Being wrong or inept doesn’t make us “bad.” We can balance our awareness of our weaknesses with an awareness of our strengths (Ulrich, 2009).
As I’ve stated before, we can create unity when we look to our Savior as a “measuring tool” for righteousness, and not each other. None of us are completely whole, and thus we all need the healing grace of “the great physician,” our Savior, Jesus Christ. Our Relief Society atmosphere can be a hospice for our emotionally sick and wounded selves rather than a prideful showcase for our individual and/or family obedience. If we make insensitive comments when comparing our personal obedience to Church doctrine at the expense of the others, we foster competition and pride among ourselves.
When we teach and discuss from a position of strengthening and empowering ourselves and each other through Christ’s Atonement, we create and generate a genuine love, peace, and unity in our ward Relief Societies.
I remember sitting with a friend during Sacrament meeting. The talks were all focused on the Savior, thus my friend and I agreed that the Spirit was exceptionally strong during the meeting. As we were parting, I joked to my friend, “Watch, our next Sacrament meeting will focus on the principle of tithing and not so much on Christ.” Sure enough, the following Sunday, my friend and I laughed when the bishop announced the Sacrament meeting theme for that day: tithing. I’m not suggesting that the Spirit is absent when we teach and discuss the law of tithing. However, I personally feel far more enriched when weaving Jesus Christ throughout any gospel topic.
Patricia Holland makes the following observation along these same lines in her article, “The Fruits of Peace.” She said:
Moroni taught the same principle. ‘Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ’ (Moro. 7:48). As women, we have the choice and privilege to connect ourselves to God in a way whereby we draw his nourishing love down to our very roots. Such peace and power can then be extended to others. When we pollute the powerful potential for love with our pettiness and our fears, then disease replaces emotional health and despondency replaces peace“
(Ensign Magazine, 1985).
I believe that when we learn these principles, we can then qualify ourselves to build a city of Zion suitable for our Savior to dwell.
Let’s continue to build,
Julie
