Feeling “mom guilt?”
A few weeks ago, I gave a Relief Society lesson in another ward. As a counselor in my stake Relief Society presidency, a lot of my calling involves speaking (and listening) to the sisters. After my lesson, a woman took me aside and voiced her pain (no…her anguish) regarding the unrighteous choices her teenage and adult children were making. As active Church members, she and her husband tried to do all the “right things” in raising their kids. But they were not (in their view) “reaping the rewards of a righteous posterity.” Tearfully, she said, “Julie, I was always told in the Church that 1 + 1 = 2. But it doesn’t. A lot of times, 1 + 1 = 3.” I felt the Spirit prompt me to tell her, “Ann, you were supposed to tell me this, so now I can tell you that you are a good mom. I know the Lord is pleased with your abilities and efforts.” A look of relief briefly came upon her face. She felt the Spirit too. How thankful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who knows the pain and anguish of parenting!
“Mothers Love,” by Sabari Girish,
(Unfortunately, there is another component to her story. She also expressed the difficulty she and her husband felt among their ward “family.” She felt scrutinized and judged guilty of “bad” parenting because some of her kids didn’t “turn out well.” But that’s a topic for another post.) As Latter-day Saint moms, I suspect we’ve all felt like “bad” mothers when our kids make “less than perfect” choices. How many times have we heard the admonition from the LDS prophet, David O. McKay, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home”? (Surely, a divinely inspired statement!) However, in our quest to be “good” parents, we might think of our children’s choices as unmitigated truths about our own abilities, success, or failures as moms. For instance, some of us might feel that if our kids choose wrong, then we’re wrong. Period. Yes, we moms are the primary influence (negatively or positively) on our children. But there’s that pesky principle called “free agency” which applies to parents and to our kids. One troubled mom confided to me, “I didn’t like Satan’s plan until my kids became teenagers. Now his plan of forcing everyone to be good sounds good! I wish I could force my kids to make righteous choices.” (Well, the line forms to the left…many of us moms feel the same way.)
Time and again, I’ve pondered, prayed, and anguished about my calling as a mom. Comparing myself to other moms was detrimental to my emotional health. Comparing my kids to other kids, increased my insecurity as well. Here’s the good news: When I let my Savior determine my success as a mom, I found a consistent inner peace and new found confidence—in myself and in my kids. How grateful I am that Christ is my ultimate judge; not myself, nor anyone else. He’s truly the Prince of Peace—my inner peace.
As a youth, I often heard our church leaders tell us that we were a “chosen generation” and saved for the “Last Days.” As the clock ticks toward Christ’s Second Coming, I have no doubt that our generation has the most formidable challenge ever in raising kids in this highly technological and sexualized society. Kids have more independence and at younger ages more than at any time in our world history. Their access opens the door to crucial decision making that will inevitably lead to some wrong choices. For our generation of moms, often times, it’s not so much about if our children make mistakes due this type of exposure, but when. Can we lovingly and courageously lead and navigate our children through their pain, sorrows, and the difficulty of subsequent consequences and the repentance process—all while nursing our own pain and disappointment? I know the Lord has confidence in our ability to walk through this searing fire—if we turn to Him for help and wisdom. Otherwise, I don’t think we’d be on earth at this time in history and serving as mothers in Zion during these tumultuous final days.
What do you think? How do you define yourselves as moms? I’m betting we’re doing alright as mothers; better than we think.
Motherhood rocks!
Julie
