Bitten by “fiery serpents?”
I watched the mail carrier open my mailbox, take out my letter, climb back into his truck and drive away. Again, I asked God if writing the letter had been the right thing to do. I hadn’t had much contact with its recipient for years. (I’ll call her Caitlin.) Never before (or since) had I experienced such overt and consistent hostility from a friend. As young married women, Caitlin and I had lived in the same Latter-day Saint ward and neighborhood. We became friends, but after a couple of years, our friendship quickly and bitterly soured. From my perspective, Caitlin’s competitive personality caused me to feel more like her rival than her friend. She must have sensed my growing resentment because her aggression toward me increased proportionally. Her constant and unabashed criticisms of my appearance, my personality, my new house, and my parenting unnerved and amazed me. Not knowing what to do, I avoided Caitlin or responded passive-aggressively.
When my husband and I moved out of the ward (but still remained in the same LDS stake), I was relieved to be out of Caitlin’s orbit. Months later, however, I was still fuming—at Caitlin and myself. Why had I allowed myself to be mistreated? Why hadn’t I defended myself or set boundaries? (Some years would pass before I got educated about things like self-assertion, healthy boundaries, and conflict resolution.) Deciding to finally take action and find resolution, I called Caitlin on the phone. I should have known that my clumsy confrontation would be like trying to put out a fire with gasoline! Neither of us apologized. There was no resolution. Still, I felt some satisfaction. The pretense between us was over; of Caitlin pretending we were friends. Of me going along with it.
(Dear readers: It’s hard to be young and clueless, isn’t it? I have forgiven my 24-year-old self (and Caitlin) for my naivety and foolish behavior during that painful time. When we’re young, we don’t know what we don’t know!)
Eventually, Caitlin reached out to me with a peace offering: tickets to see a performance she was in. Our truce was a shaky one, but I appreciated her gesture.
Years later, I learned that Caitlin’s husband was a newly called bishop. Feeling the Spirit’s prompting, I reluctantly decided to write Caitlin a note of well wishes. My reluctance increased when God further instructed me to apologize and ask for Caitlin’s forgiveness. No way. And why should I want her forgiveness? I felt like God tied me to a train track while giving the green light for the “Caitlin Train” to flatten me.
Reasoning with God, I reminded Him of Caitlin’s spitefulness toward me a few years previously while I served in a stake leadership position. Caitlin had deliberately spread false rumors about me, claiming I had a “bad spirit” in how I served. Amid the ensuing chaos, a member of the High Council advised my auxiliary president to talk to Caitlin and for me to stay silent. So, I kept quiet. And seethed at Caitlin’s reckless spite.
Eventually, I got past my anger and moved on with my life.
Now, after all of this, God expects me to ask for Caitlin’s forgiveness? Why? And how would she respond to my vulnerability? In the end, God convinced me that her response didn’t matter. And, by that time, I had already learned to trust God and His outcomes.
Psychologist, Dr. Beverly Engel voices the apprehension surrounding the act of apology:
Often the reason one or both partners [or friends] in a relationship refuse to apologize is because it feels to them like a relinquishing of power. Both partners [or friends] are afraid, hurt, and angry, but no one wants to make the first conciliatory move for fear of losing ground“
(The Power of Apology, p. 186).
My fear wasn’t about “losing ground.” Instead, my vulnerable self could almost hear Caitlin saying, “See, Julie! You’ve finally admitted that everything I said about you is true.” Thankfully, the Spirit drilled down through my defenses and revealed the beauty of vulnerability. In short, extending grace and asking for grace brings inner peace regardless of outcomes. Opening my scriptures, this verse caught my eye:
And if any man among you be strong in the Spirit, let him take with him, him that is weak, that he may be edified in all meekness, that he may become strong also“
(D&C 84: 106).
The Power of Personal Accountability and Imperfection
I am not implying “weakness” in Caitlin. Over the years, however, my own spiritual and emotional strength had significantly increased; learning to more fully recognize and follow spiritual promptings had also increased my self-confidence. Now, feeling increased power and strength through the Spirit, I learned more about the paradoxical power of apology and seeking forgiveness. For example, I realized how a willingness to acknowledge and account for my past mistakes and hurtful behavior toward Caitlin was its own source of personal empowerment. I also understood how the Lord who was “strong in spirit,” teaches us “that [are] weak [that we “may become strong also.” During this process, I was feeling stronger—exceedingly so. Now, with a softened heart, I hoped my letter might give Caitlin any needed personal peace.
The Spirit taught me additional truths:
- Caitlin’s behavior was not the issue. My learning curve was the issue: When we’re teachable, God provides us with tender mercies and blessings. In my case, the tender mercies of inner peace that comes through closure, the courage to do hard things, and newfound knowledge and wisdom in my future interactions with others.
Helaman 3: 35 reflects my feeling of peace:
Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls even with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.
This verse outlines the Lord’s basic procedures for dealing with opposition, adversarial relationships, and outright enemies. I testify that these procedures work. During the application process, these principles morph into personal prescriptions for soothing and healing our emotional wounds through Christ’s atoning power. Consequently, our anger, vengeful desires, defensiveness, and/or shame are spiritually cauterized.
This sanctifying process untangled additional knots for me:
- I didn’t need Caitlin’s (or anyone’s) grace or approval. I need God’s grace and approval which generates grace within me.
- Asking for forgiveness is about strength, not weakness.
- Asking for forgiveness is an act of grace while feeling the power of grace.
- Asking Caitlin for grace was an extension of grace to myself. In other words, I was allowing myself to be weak and imperfect. (From my experience, requesting grace and receiving grace are two sides of the same coin. Both can be very difficult because they require humility, accountability, and forgiveness.)
I turned an emotional and spiritual corner that day. And I was glad to learn these lessons as a young woman. Our increasing spiritual and emotional strength proportionally increases our ability to strengthen others. It’s like a chain reaction with God as the source. Writer, Aaron Lazare, in his Psychology Today article verifies my conclusion:
In fact the apology is a show of strength. It is an act of honesty because we admit we did wrong; an act of generosity. Finally, the apology is an act of courage because it subjects us to the emotional distress of shame and the risk of humiliation, rejection, and retaliation at the hands of the person we offended. All dimensions of the apology require strength of character, including the conviction that, while we expose vulnerable parts of ourselves, we are still good people“
(Go Ahead, Say You’re Sorry, January 1, 1995).
I further understood that pleasing God, pleases me. We feel good about ourselves when we do hard things, and do God’s will. The verses in Ether 12: 26-27 have become my mantra while coping with opposition:
My grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness. And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
Time and again, the Lord transforms our fear into confidence and our weaknesses into strengths—if we call upon Him.
Psychologist, Beverly Engel, verbalizes my feelings:
Making apologies allows us to be imperfect. While it doesn’t take away the hurt we can cause by our impatience, lack of consideration, pettiness, selfishness, or unreasonable expectations of others, it does provide us with an opportunity to make amends to those we have hurt, to express our remorse, our caring, and our intention to do better. This is far better than trying to do the impossible—to be perfect. By acknowledging, admitting, and ultimately accepting our so-called negative qualities, we take them out of [the dark] and into the light, where they are far less powerful and far less likely to eat away at us and cause us to feel self-critical. We also understand that making a mistake does not make us a bad person“
(The Power of Apology, p. 138).
I often write about the wonderful Latter-day Saint Twelve Step Program which teaches personal empowerment and healing through individual ownership and accountability. Authors Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketchum in their book The Spirituality of Imperfection further elaborate:
Alcoholics Anonymous and other Twelve-Step groups are founded on a different truth: Human beings connect with each other most healingly, most healthily, not on the basis of common strengths, but in the very reality of their shared weaknesses. Among those who accept their imperfection there seems to be a special sense of likeness or oneness in their very mutual flawedness—in ‘torn-to-pieces-hood’ somehow shared. In such a context of shared weakness, qualities in other people that might, in different circumstances, irritate or anger instead elicit compassion and identification.
Shared weakness: the shared honesty of mutual vulnerability openly acknowledged. That’s where we connect. At the most fundamental level of our very human-ness, it is our weakness that makes us alike; it is our strengths that make us different. Acknowledging shared weakness thus creates a rooted connectedness, a sense of common beginnings. We will grow in our different directions, with our different strengths, but our roots remain in the same soil as everyone else’s—the earthy humus of our own imperfection“
(p. 198).
Hence, the power of apology! And the power in owning our mistakes and weaknesses! The acts of asking and extending forgiveness are expressions of our compassion and humanity. A willingness to be accountable for our weakness and mistakes takes guts and connects us to the Spirit. Surely, the aftermath of conflict and/or broken friendships is difficult to navigate regardless of who started it. Even so, most of us desire the same outcome: personal peace—no matter which side of the conflict we find ourselves.
“Jacob Wrestles the Angel” by Rembrandt
Power and Paradox
Spiritual elements and lessons often contain paradox and irony. Thus, utilizing the Spirit in conflict resolution will bring many ironies. Here’s a big one: Christ’s admonition that whomever is least among you shall be the greatest (Luke 9:48). “Being least” can mean admitting our mistakes—to ourselves, to God, and to those we’ve hurt. “Being great” can mean humility, self-respect, courage, love, and righteous power. When we feel powerless, we feel depressed, resentful, defensive, and weak. Increasing our personal power is proportional to our personal peace. And, the more we feel “the least” in our humility toward God, the more God enables us with strength and power. Truly, our circumstances don’t necessarily determine our personal peace. Giving ourselves over to God’s will gives us peace—regardless of what’s happening around us.
Writer Aaron Lazare further explains:
Whatever the motive, what makes an apology work is the exchange of shame and power between the offender and the offended. By apologizing, you take the shame of your offense and redirect it to yourself. You admit to hurting or diminishing someone and, in effect, say that you are really the one who is diminished—I’m the one who was wrong, mistaken, insensitive, or stupid. In acknowledging your shame you give the offended the power to forgive. The exchange is at the heart of the healing process“
(Psychology Today).
Caitlin never acknowledged the note I sent her. And that was okay; I didn’t need her apology or a response. I did notice, however, a more positive dynamic between us after that. It didn’t last long. Our stake presidency hosted a weekend seminar for the ward bishops and their wives who were currently serving. Since my husband and Caitlin’s husband were both serving as bishops within the stake, interaction between the four of us was inevitable. The familiar sting of Caitlin’s antagonistic competitiveness during the entire seminar triggered me. Reminding myself that I had already “done the work” with Caitlin underscored my determination to maintain my personal peace. Caitlin was free to choose her own path.
A year later, I moved to another town. In the decades since, I have stayed in peace and hope Caitlin has found peace.
Again, I refer to Dr. Engel:
Even if your friend wronged you, begin by offering her your forgiveness. Why are you offering your forgiveness even if you are the one who was wronged and should be offered forgiveness? There are several reasons. The first is that you cannot control someone else’s behavior, only your own. If you offer forgiveness, you may inspire your friend likewise to offer forgiveness, as she will learn from and maybe even be inspired by your example.The second reason is that being forgiven could be a humbling experience to your friend. Finally, it is much harder to stay angry with someone if she has ceased being angry with you.
Even if you are the party who was ‘at fault,’ in certain instances a simple ‘I’m sorry’ may not do the trick.That is because friendship is a relationship based on the needs and feelings of both parties.You may ask for forgiveness, but it is up to your friend to forgive you”
(p. 119).
Opposition is part of life. Reading Helaman’s account in Alma 58:10-12 gives me great peace while enduring any kind of oppositional or enemy fire:
Therefore we did pour out our souls in prayer to God, that he would strengthen us and deliver us out of the hands of our enemies, yea, and also give us strength that we might retain our cities, and our lands, and our possessions, for the support of our people.
Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance in him.
And we did take courage with our small force which we had received, and were fixed with a determination to conquer our enemies, and to maintain our lands, and our possessions, and our wives, and our children, and our cause of our liberty.
I testify to the principle and power of Helaman’s prayer for God’s help in conquering opposition and enemies. As I said before, the Lord can deliver us from our enemies while strengthening us during times of opposition—when we humbly call upon Him. Like Helaman, I go to God and “pour out my soul in prayer,” and ask “that God would strengthen” me and “deliver me from my enemies.” Delivery can come in many ways and in many forms—and delivery might not immediately come. Regardless, I testify that God has always given me the spiritual and emotional victory—simply because I call upon Him. My rejoicings echo Helaman’s:
And behold, we are again delivered out of the hands of our enemies. And blessed is the name of our God; for behold, it is he that has delivered us; yea, that has done this great thing for us. I was filled with exceeding joy because of the goodness of God in preserving us, that we might not perish and entered into the rest of our God“
(Alma 57: 35-36).
Look to God and Live
Indy: “There’s a big snake in the plane, Jock!”
Jock: “Oh, that’s just my pet snake Reggie.”
Indy: “I hate snakes, Jock! I hate ‘em!”
Jock: “C’mon, show a little backbone, will you?”
I love this scene from the movie Indianna Jones, Temple of Doom. I too, loathe snakes. So did the Israelites. In consequence of their idol worship, stony hearts, pride, endless whining, and self-pity the Book of Numbers tells us, And the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died (Numbers 21: 6). Suffering in their sickbeds, the Israelites came to Moses and admitted their sins against the Lord. In his mercy God said unto Moses, make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.” The Old Testament continues:
And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.
“The Brass Serpent in the Sistine Chapel” by Michelangelo
From Number’s account, we read about the simple healing available to the snake-bitten Israelites. They simply look upon the brass serpent and were immediately healed. In the Book of Mormon, Nephi provides a different perspective:
He sent fiery flying serpents among them; and after they were bitten he prepared a way that they might be healed; and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished“
(1 Nephi 17: 46).
In other words, it was “too easy” to look at the serpent for purposes of healing. I also wonder if those who refused to be healed did not really want to be healed; murmuring and cursing Moses and God might have seemed easier than actually healing.
Additionally, Helaman offers his own commentary:
Yea, did he not bear record that the Son of God should come? And as he lifted up the brazen serpent in the wilderness, even so shall he be lifted up who should come. And as many as should look upon that serpent should live, even so as many as should look upon the Son of God with faith, having a contrite spirit, might live, even unto that life which is eternal
(Helaman 8: 14-16).
I will never understand why so many people refused to look upon the serpent for healing. Instead, they preferred to die soaking in the venom of their snakebites. They simply could not or would not believe Christ could heal them. Why not simply give Christ’s healing power a chance? Unfortunately, we often have similar mindsets. Do we truly believe in Christ’s willingness and ability to heal us? Would we rather soak in our venomous bitterness and die in our pride? Do we call upon God in half-hearted attempts for His healing power—while simultaneously avoiding personal accountability enabling our healing? If so, our defensiveness, pride, and need to be “right” stay intact.
Here’s a few more ironies in this story: The Israelites were bitten by “fiery serpents,” yet God used a brass serpent—an image of the creature that bit and poisoned them—to heal them. For whatever reason, the brass serpent fashioned by Moses symbolized Christ’s atoning power to heal. Surely, we deal with our own fiery serpents. Like the Israelites, we often refuse to look at the brass serpent Christ offers us. To look at it often means admitting that we are marinating in our own venom and self-pity. Taking personal accountability of our “venom” means undertaking a painful, arduous search for the source. Harder still, the source for our venomous pain is often our own doing. Ironically, we often prefer marinating in our poison rather than taking personal accountability and freeing ourselves. Our refusal hinders our first step toward healing. Dr. Iyana VanZant tells us, “If you can’t own it, you can’t heal it!”
Let’s look to God and live,
Julie
