Nothing left to give?
Every Sunday evening, I attended the Latter-day Saint Women’s Support Group and listened as the women gradually exposed their vulnerability and anguish due to addiction within their families. (Even though mental illness has lost much of its societal stigma, addiction is still shrouded in secrecy and shame—especially within our American LDS culture.) The sisters’ individual stories were sad and distressing:
My son hates me.
I have nothing left to give.
I’m so tired of hurting.
I can’t fix it.
My husband won’t change.
I don’t know how to help my husband.
I can’t solve my children’s problems.
I feel so alone.
I feel like such a bad mother.
I’ve failed as a wife.
As a Latter-day Saint service missionary in California, I help facilitate these group discussions. I had also shared my own painful issues stemming from my childhood. Although I come from faithful Latter-day Saint parents who both have pioneer lineages, a significant number of my ancestors still suffered from alcoholism, addiction, and compulsion—which were unintentionally passed down from one generation to the next. Thus, part of my genetic make-up predisposes me to compulsive and addictive mindsets. Additionally, mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression are rooted in my family tree. My parents were stalwart leaders in our ward and stake and faithfully taught their children gospel principles—while stressing the importance of our family name, image, and our duty to set good examples. My parents also set perfectionistic standards of behavior. As a child, teenager, and young woman, I tried to be exactly obedient to my parents in attempts to earn their love and approval. And I was extremely careful never to “tarnish” my parents’ reputation or “damage” our family image. (Please don’t misunderstand me—I love my parents and appreciate everything they have taught me.)
On top of that, the LDS church (during my childhood, teen, and young adult years) placed great emphasis on the doctrine of perfection coupled with a perfectionistic church culture. The Young Women’s and Relief Society organizations often promoted the concept of the ideal Latter-day Saint girl and woman: She was flawless and raised passels of flawless children. She never complained, was never angry, and never spoke unkindly about anyone.
For me, all of these lofty ideals and expectations came with enormous amounts of pressure and created a lot of personal anxiety within me. I loved God, my parents, and the Church. I wanted to “be pleasing in God’s sight.” But the perfectionistic expectations combined with my genetic and ancestral predispositions and mindsets seeded and grew within me noxious weeds of anxiety and self-doubt. I never felt good enough. And I would never be good enough. Furthermore, I didn’t just make mistakes; I was a mistake. Looking back, I’m surprised I never developed an eating disorder—and I thank God I never have. Still, I have spent my entire adult life working with the Spirit to find, examine, and root out my unhealthy mindsets. It’s painstaking, constant, and very, very hard work.
The Twelve Principles of the Women’s Support Group
- God will console us in our afflictions.
- Shake off the chains with which ye are bound.
- He will take upon Him the pains and the sicknesses of His people.
- Draw near unto me.
- Take heed unto thyself.
- Thy friends do stand by thee.
- In everything give thanks.
- Be firm and stand fast.
- We have renounced dishonesty.
- Lift up the hands which hang down.
- Bear all these things with patience.
- My peace I give unto you.
The manual also emphasizes that an essential part of healing is coming to accept and understand that our loved ones—whether they be family members or friends—are responsible for their own healing or recovery from addiction, compulsion, and/or negative behaviors. We incorrectly assume that we have to fix their problems for them. Instead, we learn to choose another path other than pleading, coercion, or control over our loved ones. As a result, we have taken an important step in our own healing and peace.
We receive what the scriptures call “beauty for ashes: when we realize that our pain, sorrow, worry, and anger can actually be healed. As we turn to the Savior, the peace and comfort He offers us can truly work miracles. Every individual in any kind of suffering may not feel grateful for pain and hardship, but we can feel strength and gratitude as we familiarize ourselves with Christ’s atoning power.
The Giving Tree is a children’s book written in 1964 by Shel Silverstein. The book is fairly controversial in terms of its illustration and definition of unconditional love. Briefly, the book follows the lives of a female apple tree and a boy as they develop a relationship. The tree is always “giving” to the boy who evolves into a “taking” teenager, man, and eventually, an elderly man. In efforts to make the boy happy, the tree gives him parts of herself which can symbolize material elements such as money (from her apples), a house (from the wood and shade of her branches), and a boat (from her trunk). The tree is always described as “happy” in her endless giving and attempts to make the boy happy. And the boy’s endless taking makes the tree happy. Years later, the boy has taken so much from the tree that she has been stripped to a mere stump. In his selfishness, the boy disregards the tree’s weakness and inability to continue to provide for his demands. She offers her stump for him to sit and rest. With this final stage of “giving,” the book ends with the sentence, “The tree was happy.”
I had never read the story until I was a young mother and read it to my little son. At first glance, I felt the book to be a poignant illustration of unconditional Christlike love; the noble tree is willing to completely sacrifice herself for the boy and then the man. Indeed, the tree embodied that unattainable and flawless LDS woman persona who had haunted my youth. Although the tree’s concept of love raised some “red flags” with me, I dismissed my concerns as self-centered. Eventually, I recognized the dysfunctional relationship between the tree and the boy. The tree’s inability to set loving boundaries enabled the boy’s compulsivity and narcissism. Furthermore, the tree and the boy illustrate a co-dependent relationship. At the end of the story, the tree claims happiness even after being stripped of everything. The tree’s martyrdom isn’t a healthy love because it’s still self-serving; she is getting some sort of twisted pay-off in her complicity with the boy’s toxicity. The pay-off can be its own form of addiction or compulsion. In the book’s beginning, the tree has good intentions toward the boy and is very helpful and loving. But in the end, the tree’s “love” compounded the boy’s emotional toxicity. As the years went by and I had more children (and as I became more emotionally healthy) I told them, “Don’t let anyone treat you this way. And never treat others like this.”
My biggest takeaway from The Giving Tree is this: The tree and the boy personify the destructive relationship result when one person is an addict (or alcoholic, narcissist, self-destructive, or fill in the blank) and the spouse and/or the family members who enable the addict or a family member engaging in self-destructive behavior. Unless they attain permanent sobriety, addicts (or those who suffer from self-destructive behaviors) will eventually die from addiction, alcoholism, or other forms of self-destruction. Meanwhile, the addict’s behavior drains family members down to nothing—emotionally, financially, and often physically. Addiction destroys marriages and families. And this obliteration is the “gift” that keeps on giving throughout the generations until someone in the family tree has the knowledge, the insight, the courage, and the strength to neutralize, or at least dilute, the chain of addiction and negative mindsets and behavior patterns.
The Proud Tree: Giving With Boundaries
Katie Deutsch wrote an essay in response to Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. She suggests that setting healthy boundaries in our relationships with others is crucial to our own emotional health and happiness. In turn, our healthy boundaries promote healthy and happy relationships with our family members, our genuine friends, co-workers, and others. Consequently, we don’t end up feeling or being victimized or harmed by those who intentionally or unintentionally destroy themselves and those around them. Here’s how her essay ends:
Many years later, the Boy came back.
“What is wrong Boy, you look so sad! Come sit and talk to me, share your problems.”
The Boy started to cry, “I am so sick of the world. It is so hard and it always challenges me. I wish I had a boat, so I could sail away and find peace. Give me your trunk so I can find an escape.”
Once again, the Tree was surprised and sharply spoke to the Boy, “The world will always challenge you, it doesn’t stop. And running away won’t solve your problems, only create new ones. And besides, your family needs your love and support.”
The Boy grew angry, threw up his hands, stomped away from the tree and disappeared.
More years passed, and the Boy came to visit once more, but this time he was an old man. The Tree welcomed him with open branches, calling out, “Hello old friend, it has been a long time.”
The Boy looked up at the beautiful apples, the majesty of her branches, marveled at her strong trunk and weeped, “Thank you for your strength, and thank you for your wisdom. I wanted everyone to bend to my will, but life doesn’t work that way.”
The Tree beamed with gratitude, “Yes, Boy, true friendship and love are built on boundaries. I’m glad you found peace. Come, sit down and rest.”
Addiction, compulsion, narcissism, and other self-destructive mindsets/behaviors are quickly reaching epidemic proportions in American society and is also affecting the Latter-day Saints. I believe that addiction and compulsion are one of the “mists of darkness” described in Lehi’s dream and recorded in the Book of Mormon. Undoubtedly, we are extremely blessed to live during the final days before Christ’s second coming. By the same token, we can be easily overwhelmed and ensnared because of societal pressures and influences that encourage many forms of addiction, compulsion, and narcissistic behaviors.
Are you struggling? Is your loved one struggling? Are you in pain but not sure why? Do your problems seem unsolvable? Do you need help? Check with your ward and stake leaders for information and help in your area. You can also find resources through https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/?lang=eng
You’re not alone,
Julie